For the first time in my life, It was scary. Truly, desperately and It has been scary. It was a fear that excited me, though, because I knew within seconds that my world would suddenly, irretrievably be changed. I knew it would be for the better, but this was our first time pregnancy, I felt honest fear that maybe I wasn’t up for the challenge.
Our Process for our First Time Pregnancy
My husband and I had tried for a long time to get pregnant, and I think we’d been doing all the right things. We were both physically active, healthy people; we both had good jobs and so finances wasn’t a huge issue, and we’d both adopted diets which we thought would boost our chances of getting pregnant. We’d even taken a baby-making holiday, and while it was a magical, beautiful time, nothing had come of it. We planned this holiday around the time of my ovulation, so we’d have an even better chance of getting pregnant, and went to our favourite vacation spot in the mountains so we could just relax and think of nothing but each other and this new life we were trying to create. Nothing happened. I wondered if the stress we were both starting to feel was starting to take its toll.
I knew we were both getting frustrated; much as we enjoyed making love, it was starting to become routine instead of a reflection of how we felt about each other. I found myself becoming a slave to the ovulation calendar and instead of finding the joy in my friends’ pregnancies, of which there were a few, and I was becoming quite depressed. My husband wasn’t thrilled, either. He loved me, but I could see our mutual exhaustion with the baby-making plans reflected in his face. “Babe,” he’d say, “maybe if we took some time off from this…?” He knew I was getting stressed and starting to think too much about it. I was buying pregnancy tests every time my period was a couple days late; as someone whose cycle was as regulated as a clock, I automatically assumed no period meant instant pregnancy, but again, nothing was happening. I was also getting a little concerned; although I was only in my early thirties and knew there was still a fair bit of time before I had to worry about any pregnancy issues, I knew the clock was ticking. For the first time in my life, I was scared I was going to fail at something – something that was so basic to human biology I didn’t think it was possible to fail.
After a while, we forgot about trying to become pregnant. Sure, I’d get a bit wistful when one of our friends would come by with their new baby, but my wonderful husband and I started to work on reconnecting as a couple instead of as a couple trying to have a baby. We decided to simply enjoy each other and take some of the stress out of our baby-making lives. The doctor had very gently told me, when I talked to her about our apparent inability to get pregnant, that perhaps it was the stress of thinking about getting pregnant that was preventing me from doing so. That was six months ago, and now, for the first time in my life, I found my heart racing with fearful anticipation as I glanced at my watch and tried not to think about what I was waiting to see. I didn’t want my heart broken again. I took a deep breath and turned to face the toilet with my eyes closed. The pregnancy test strip was sitting on the back of the toilet, waiting. After a long moment, I opened one eye nervously, and my heart swelled as a grin spread over my face. I couldn’t help the happy dance as I raced out of the bathroom. “Honey? Guess what?”